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Numerologist Skot Jonz Picks the Next President

By Joe Eskenazi 

On Tuesday, Feb. 5, millions of Californians strode to the polls, casting their votes for the candidate whose message and platform encapsulated their own vision of a better tomorrow.

Suckers.

San Franciscan Skot Jonz has come up with a better way to pick a commander-in-chief. He has been distributing his 30-page pamphlet around city cafes and nail salons to spread the word — the word of numbers. Jonz is a numerologist; his pamphlet is titled "Picking a President by the Numbers."

"Of course I consider a candidate's platform and ideology valuable," Jonz told me. "But, as we all know, that is subject to change based on the whim of the candidates and who they may be wooing at the moment. The numerology cannot be changed, and I consider it as another source of information to make an informed decision."

Why, Jonz gripes in his pamphlet, does the media report poll numbers, fund-raising numbers, and delegate numbers, but not the really important numbers? You know, like the fact that Ron Paul's birth day and month (8/20/1935) add up to 28, 2 + 8 = 10, and 1 + 0 = 1, and 1 indicates strong leadership skills? Why doesn't Wolf Blitzer talk about that on The Situation Room?

Poring over 30 pages of hard-core numerology theory is not as fun or easy as reading a Harry Potter book, and, to paraphrase a Woody Allen quip, after 20 minutes a substance resembling guacamole began to trickle out of my ears. But here, in a nutshell, is Jonz' argument.

Double numbers (11, 22, etc.) are considered "master numbers" and are of special significance. We will elect our 44th president this November; numerologists believe that number corresponds with a "Master Liberator" who will solve the world's problems. Number 33, incidentally, corresponded with a "Master Healer" who was compassionate and loving in his service of mankind. Harry S Truman was our 33rd president, so the good folks in Hiroshima and Nagasaki might be somewhat taken aback.

In any event, by assigning numerical values to letters (A=1, B=2), you can tabulate the value of a name. Different values supposedly demonstrate different characteristics. Barack Obama's tabulation indicates "karmic lessons around faith," while John McCain's points to "karmic lessons around cooperation and peace."

When I asked for a prediction in the California primary, Jonz politely declined — that would be crazy! It's not as though he's a psychic.

Well, Alex Goldenberg is. When I dialed Psychic Horizons on Valencia a week before the primary, he answered on the first ring and gleefully gave me his predictions.

On the Democratic side, Goldenberg conjured up a mental image of Stanford — and, since Chelsea Clinton matriculated there, that meant Hillary Clinton would win California.

On the Republican side, he envisioned a tree. For some reason, Goldenberg felt that indicated a John McCain victory.

All of you reading this now will know whether our psychic was right. If it turns out he was, well, he may have just been consulting the numbers — the polling numbers, that is.